Friday, July 20, 2012
besides that the weather has not been hot and sunny all the time, we have been enjoying it. It is summer! Things grow, lots of green and some things already to eat from outside. Kids go to swim a few(short) times a day, 18-22 degrees outside seems to be hot to them.
My program has easily filled by our kids, house/garden-keeping, and social trips, even a few exhibitions seen: we come and go, have some guests, but no Holiday guests for longer periods this time.
Actually, it s the first summer since many years. Don t take me wrong, I love (really) each and every one of u guests. But this time I meet my self in time, also left for me and it seems like I needed it some how.
I actually get to think, besides work and children and housekeeping and al the worrying situations happening in the world. Bit by bit I get flashes about realities concerning me as a person and my choices made during the last 13 years.
Also, all 3 kids are now so big, that it leaves me with moments where they are all busy on their own.
It feels like I meet myself again and through that start to have own thoughts again, feels like I missed that a bit since some years. Moving here meant a world full of new things and possibilities. New things to learn about, but mostly time has gone to adjusting, while also we came into a whole new face in live.
This few weeks, I finished reading some books, have been putting time in the garden, also I cleaned many cupboards, bags full of clothes went direction south. I sold some things, gave away, and my environment really feels lighter, and so do I.
I m not a fan of cleaning, I admit, but once in a while, it s very therapeutic to push your self through it and to create actual space.
While doing this, I got to think backwards and go through layers of experiences from the last few years. It feels like I could write a book about every aspect of my live separately, so much seemed to come to the surface through this process. No need for expensive therapy, but cupboard-cleaning...:))
At the same time, meeting myself also makes me face some confronting things about this face in live: I m suddenly a 38 years old (young:) women, a mother and an artist to some level, besides that a cook, cleaning lady, teacher....you probably now the drill.
It s just full, the whole day, again and again and the direction is made. The endless/illusional feeling of possibility s s not there anymore like it was before, but replaced by a direction of possibilities related to choices made before...
Fighting for own hobby s etc. feels like a to big of a struggle in this face of live, the fact that we have no family around, us being both entrepreneurs, just makes it so that I m always with kids, at least if they re not in school and I use my time completely to work.
"But" this is how I see (feel) it, it s the most blossoming time of my life, never boring constant learning and I m very conscious of the fact that every moment is very temporary and valuable, yet every move a direction to some future situation and consequence. My work is also my hobby and in my work I meet friends. My work is also related to my role as a mother. So far I love it, although the last year has been rough physically and makes me wonder again. Some of you who know me longer, know more detailed why. But still, I m quite fine. Yet an other victory on that side.
I feel like I m standing on an other platform in my live, ready to jump in to the pool again. I m not sure where my priorities lay yet, they shift all he time, but somehow it always get s me back to this reality: through respecting yourself+ your limits and both your possibilities, you get thoroughly in contact with your environment again, and from that choices are again more easily to be made...